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Coaches/Staff
Head Coach: Ilmar Litsky
Hometown: Foster City, California
Memorable Quote: "That reeks of effort."
Ilmar Litsky has an outstanding record as a football coach, despite his unconventional and often ludicrous methods of leadership. During games, Litsky appears to be doing virtually nothing but sitting around. All plays are run by his Offensive and Defensive Coordinators, but at the most crucial moment of a game, he almost always comes through with a brilliant epiphany that provides a deafening blow to the opponent.
Defensive Coordinator: Lucien Renfield
Hometown: Southampton, England
Memorable Quote: "Lead, follow, get out of the way or follow my lead."
Lucien Renfield grew up in a tough ghetto of Southampton, England and leads his Defense with the same discipline he was raised with. Never having to raise his voice to get his point across, his quiet intensity and ultra-deep tone hold his players securely in check. Lucien was a full-time English soccer fan before "settling down" with a career in American football. Colorfully nicknamed "Riot-Starter" by his fellow soccer fans, Lucien spent his early days organizing soccer parties, some of which are still going. His players can tolerate and appreciate his soccer background because he has constructed some of the most impenetrable defensive units that Pro football has ever seen. "I teach my defense to treat their opponent like a parked car after a soccer game," reveals Renfield. "Shake the bloke around a bit, and then when no one's looking, beat 'em to pieces, and flip 'em over."
Offensive Coordinator: Buck Salt
Hometown: Detroit, Michigan
Memorable Quote: "You no good #%@*, @%#*, hippie, **%$%##, commie, #%*&&** #%##** cheese!!!"
Buck Salt has run the offense of 12 different football teams during his illustrious career and always commands a great deal of respect from his players. While his physical presence may not be intimidating, Salt has a tendency towards verbal outbursts that would shock even a drill sergeant. These tongue-lashings have landed on many a referee with severe outcomes. A notable publication described one of his rants as "containing more foul language than a game of pick-up basketball." Verbal tirades aside, Salt has run some of the most successful, if not bizarre, offensive strategies ever to grace the gridiron. "I'm not afraid to flip the script and try new things," relates Salt. "And if you've got a problem with that I'd be more than happy to karate chop you in the head."
Training Doctor: James Dandy
Hometown: El Paso, Texas
Memorable Quote: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
James Dandy has enjoyed a prolific career as a football Training Doctor since he graduated from Probe Medical School in 1998. "I've wanted to be a Training Doctor since the first time I visited a hospital," relates James. "I watched someone change a bedpan and I thought, 'I'd rather hang out on a football field all day.'" Dandy dealt with his first football injury in 1982 when he witnessed his older brother break his leg during a high school football game. "I was very young and I remember my father and I ran out onto the football field and I tried to heal him with my finger," recalls James. "It turns out I shouldn't have been poking around a compound fracture like that. My brother grew very angry."
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