| During the Carnivores' surprising 3 game defensive slump, Defensive Coordinator Lucien Renfield had a sinking feeling that the offense couldn't carry the weight of the entire team for long, even with Terry Aki's giant shoulder pads. So Renfield went back. Way back. Digging deep into the catacombs of his defensive genius, and even deeper into the malodorous confines of his footlocker, Renfield unearthed a defensive strategy so archaic that it pre-dates the safety blitz, the four-man front, and even mankind itself.
To stop a fourth-quarter offensive charge by Cleveland, Renfield brought out the dreaded wild Chimp Defense, a sixteen-Simian team of veteran Chimpanzees that on occasion supplements the Carnivores defense. Renfield refers to it affectionately as his "DEvolutionary Defense." "We had reached a point where we weren't evolving as a defensive team," related Renfield, "So it was time to De-evolve."
And De-evolve they did. The Chimp defense halted the progress of the Cleveland drive, securing a 24-21 victory, despite Cleveland Coach Vic P. Walker's vehement protests that using the chimps was blatantly illegal. "The rulebook specifically states that 11 men may be on the field at one time during the course of the game," said Renfield, defending his defense. "There's nothing in there limiting the number of chimpanzees you can put on the field." Head Referee Jimm Johnson verified Renfeld's statement. "The use of the chimpanzees was perfectly legal," said Johnson. "But we wasted a lot of TV timeouts trying to keep them from swinging on the goal posts, and they erupted into a frenzy every time we blew the whistle."
 Monkey business aside, Assistant Coach Bob Banano says the Chimps are a joy to work with on the field. "For the most part, they act just like an athletic team of their human counterparts," relates Banano. "There's joking, wrestling, fighting, camaraderie. The only difference is there's a little more screaming, 'going bonkers' and picking bugs out of each others fur." Despite their antics, Renfield says that the Chimps may be here to stay. "They always give 110%, and they're becoming quite popular with the fans. Their agents are even trying to get them some endorsement deals."
Team owner Jack was unavailable for comment.
|
